Always and Forever... and no matter what!

... our lives as we walk through this journey hand in hand...

Friday, August 5, 2011

Hi it's ME!

So no worries... I didn't die. I have honestly just been really busy... which I am glad to say! This summer has gone by WAY too fast if you ask me!
As per usual as august comes around I can't help but feel stuck between two emotions! Going home to family... and leaving my dear friends in Dallas.
This summer has been a very different summer for us Phillips' but I would like to say a very good one. It has given me a chance to take a deeper look at me... my family... my role as a mother... and strengthen friendships.
I honestly feel like I am coming away from this summer with a stronger more confident me... so really when is that ever a bad thing, right?!
Everyone is packing and leaving Dallas early this summer... most of the salesmen are from Utah and I guess their school starts earlier. It breaks my heart! I hate seeing people go. I hate wondering if we will ever see them again. It is just sucky! So that part of the summer is always a bummer for sure.
But seeing as this is my 4th summer doing this I have had my fair practice of making new friends and saying goodbye to them. I am glad to say that I have learned not to dread saying goodbye to friends as much but instead bracing what memories we have made and shared and what they have taught me.
This summer we really had a great bunch of salesmen... and unlike the other summers there were more married couples... so yay for me! It was a really great office... it really did feel like one big family! And oh how I love that!!!
It has been fun being a mom to the boys in the office... and I really am going to miss that! They for some reason have it in their heads that I am such a great cook... hahaha... Ill take what I can get! I adore them so much!
I must say though this year was strange in the sense that I for once was the older one... BOOO!!! How did this happen? They aren't even that much younger then me. Not gonna lie... I hate feeling old! I am turning 26 this month and let me tell you... I am NOT taking it well! I hate getting older! So it was not very fun to feel like Jarom and I were the older ones in the office. How did I become the older one? I remember our first summer feeling like we were one of the youngest in the office.
Anyways... I could go off on that topic for a loooong time... so we will just move on before I do! ha
I have been very blessed (yes I think that is the most appropriate word to use) to have spent my summer with a few very choice women. I don't know if they realize just how much I have looked up to them... but the conversations we have had during this summer have truly been inspirational and life changing for me. You know those moments when someone says something and a light bulb just goes off in your head?!... well lets just say I'm surprised that my light bulb didn't burn out! It was just brilliant! I feel like most of the huge things that have been on my mind this past year have been brought to light and have been given some answers. I can't even explain it!
I have felt very much empowered by these women.
It really does amaze me how easily us women in the world are taught to hate on ourselves... and our bodies. It breaks my heart really! We are just too hard on ourselves. If we could just take the time to look around and lift those wonderful women around us instead of focusing on our imperfections... what a strong and beautiful gender we would be!
I have a friend back at home who has very much inspired me to take a step back and see who I really am and to embrace it love it! Oh how I just adore and love my friends! Each and everyone of you has a very special place in my heart!
I have decided this summer that I want to be that girl that people love to be around. You know the kind of girl I'm talking about... the one who just makes you smile and feel amazing about yourself... because you know she is being genuine and real. I want to be that girl that you know doesn't talk behind your back... or says one thing and then another depending on who she is with. I want people to know they can trust me completely! That is what I have decided to dedicate the rest of my life doing... becoming such a woman!
One of these dear women shared something with me this summer that I just adore! I want to live my life in accordance to this... and I encourage you all to do the same!
"Everyone wants to feel that you hear what they have to say... and that what they are saying, matters".
How awesome is that hey!? Soooo true! You can't read that and not agree!
I can truthfully say that I do have a few choice friends in my life who make me feel that way. I know that they hear what it is I am trying to say... and that what I am saying matters. For that I am honestly very blessed!
Being a mother has been such a trial and blessing. It has brought out so much in me... some good and some not so good. It has taught me how selfish I am... and it has given me a chance to become a better stronger woman and person. Vienna truly is the best thing I have ever done. The love I have for that lil girl is so intense and beautiful! The more time I spend with her and watch her grow, the more I believe that we aren't just given any baby... that these lil miracles are strategically placed in our lives. Vienna needed to come to us. I needed her and I know she needed me. How awesome is that?! She honestly is the coolest girl I know. And I am so excited to watch her grow up. She has personality traits that I admire so much and secretly wish I had myself. I guess we both can teach each other some things along the way!
Oh summer... how I adore you! Maybe it is because my birthday is at the end of august... which is also the time we start packing up and heading back home... but I feel like it is the time where I put the past winter (sept to april... we live in canada let's be real!) into perspective and prepare to take on a new chapter.
Yes summer is an emotional roller coaster... but every year I come away feeling stronger and a better person!
This summer in particular has allowed me to strengthen a specific relationship and allow it to mature into a better one. For that this, summer was well worth it. It gave us well needed time to rebuild our friendship and to be there for each other and to lean on one another. I have missed her in my life and look forward to a better more strong relationship this fall. I needed her this summer... and I am so grateful that we had that time together.
Oh summer... why do you have to end so quickly?! It breaks my heart! Yes I am very excited to see our family at home... but I hate leaving people behind... not knowing if we will ever see each other again.
Dallas you have always been so good to my family. I wish I knew if we were coming back to you next summer... I guess we will have to wait and see. Jarom is going to be done school... and this job was only to put us through school... so ya... I feel a lil lost about what is to happen next summer. Summer sales is all we have known in our marriage. It was always a constant. I never thought we would actually come to the day when we were to move on to the next chapter in our lives without dallas... hmmm we shall see. There might just yet be a need for one more summer... and to be honest, I'm very ok with that!
I guess I still have one more month... but august always seems to fly by. So maybe for my birthday... if anyone could some how find a way to make august slow down... I don't think any present could match that! Thanks!
Well... thanks for everything so far Dallas... I hope that this last month still has some amazing memories still to come!
Peace out!
Love, Nads

Friday, March 25, 2011

Ptshhhhh sleep is for the weak!!!

ok sooo here's a funny story... For those who know me... I am an insomniac! No seriously... I NEVER sleep! There is something seriously wrong with my fam cause we are all the same! No lies, I promise if you were to call my house at 2am my mom will cheerfully answer the phone "hello may I help you?!" without the time phasing her!
Over the years doctors have tried many diff kinds of pills, techneques, pillows... you name it I've tried it... infact some friends might even remember those fun trial days... Ha! Anyways, I have decided to go back to trying diff things... this no sleep thing was annoying before but try and throw a baby into the mix and it becomes more like death!!! So this is the funny part... Im trying this new pill... and look it's 3am and Im awake... writing on my blog! So ya I think it's safe to say... FAIL!

Friday, March 4, 2011


As most of you have already noticed my blog is basically a place where I write my thoughts on life... like a personal journal of sorts. So tonight I decided, it's time to write out a few things that have been on my mind lately that have been frustrating me.
Im sure a lot of people can relate... it's an emotion we all feel from time to time. It's source can be a hard thing to pin point at times and yet be so broad in it's affect. Well, it seems to have hit me with full force lately... and for a little while it's source has been so hard to grasp.
Right now in life I seem to be frustrated. But as I sit here and really think about it... I feel that I am tapping into emotions I know I want to keep hidden. So much seems to be going on in my life. I know many people can argue that this is the case for every human being... but this is my blog so blah! Im going to write about me! Anyways... I feel like there is never a down time for me... I keep getting "hit up" by so many things from all directions I don't even know how to cope. These past few months have been such a roller coaster for me. I feel like there has never really been a time to accept some of the things I have been through before something else comes. Soon enough I realize I can't breath... and I get frustrated. I don't know about most people but I am not a multi tasker when it comes to emotions. If I am experiencing certain feelings... they tend to dominate me completely. I hate it!
The last two months it has been one crazy thing after another! But to be honest tonight when I sit here and think about it all... I know that my frustration stems from one major moment.
As some of you know, Jarom and I got to go to Mexico for new years. Fun, I know! It was awesome! But what we came home to was life changing. I was literally not even through costumes at the air port when I get a phone call from my mom with the news that a friend of mine had passed away. It hit me like a brick wall. It was like out of the movies when everything in the back ground goes fuzzy... you hear only their breathing and their heart beating. It is a moment I wish on no one! The news was that, while we were in Mexico my dear friend Christy had passed away from cancer.
So many thoughts came at me full speed. One particular thought was of our last conversation together a few weeks prior... there had been another cancer scare (she had battled cancer once before years and years ago and sadly had lost her eye to the cancer) but when I talked with her about it she told me she was fine and even brushed it off... That there was nothing to worry about. In fact she kept it short and insisted that we talk more about my little girl growing up. The way she talked about it she made it seem like it was not even a scare at all. I realize now she had lied to me. And really... of course she would have. Anyone who knew Christy knows that she does not like to dwell on herself at all! She is selfless in every sense of the word and to hear she had died broke me in half. It was not fair! She had a family... she was young and things like aren't suppose to happen to people like her.
And because I had just gotten off the plane I had to cut the conversation with my mother short (literally a min) so I could check in through customs. It was like a wave went through me. Within a 3 minute span I went from... Excited about coming back from Mexico... to the news of a friends death... learning her funeral was the next morning... and then having to go through customs. Not pretty at all. I felt like I had no way to really comprehend anything going on at that moment. I remember thinking I wished everything would just stop for a minute!
I was just so frustrated... and it has not gone away. Why her? Why would this happen?
The next few days were really intense for me... so much to take in and accept. I had known Christy since I was 4 years old. She was older then me and had been my leader in young womans for pretty much the whole 6 years. She was a power house... she was a friend... she was someone I respected and looked up to. When I was struggling she some how always knew and was there to kick my butt and get me back on the better road. So many late night talks... tears... laughs... teasing... just so many memories. She was a role model for me in life... and now she was gone.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't sing! I can't! I refuse to sing in public ever... and when you are a mormon it can be hard to dodge such things. But knowing this about me, Christy always tried to corner me into singing... but it just would not happen. It became some sort of an inside joke between us. She would always tease me and saw... don't you worry Nads, I'll get you to do it some time. Well... her wish came true... but it breaks me heart that it had to be at her funeral while standing in front of her coffin. One of her requests at her funeral was to have us girls sing for her one last time. I remember sitting there with a dear friend of mine Delaine and thinking... this can not be happening. As we stood to sing I looked ahead at her coffin and broke down. We sang for her like she had always wanted us to... but as a goodbye. The fact that she knew her end was coming and to make it known what her request was and what song she wished to have us sing frustrates me. I can't imagine knowing my time was soon over... and to make such arrangements for my own funeral. I can't even imagine what she went through saying goodbye to her kids knowing she wont be there to watch them grow up. And having her oldest son be on his mission when she passed away. What do you say to them? What do you say to your husband? It just frustrates me that this happened.
It was the most beautiful funeral... it was truly how she would have wanted it. From what I understood, her cancer had come back and they had begun treatments again but not before she had sent her son Ross out on a mission. Even in her last weeks she wanted nothing more then for her son to continue serving his mission no matter what happened to her... the two years they had always helped and encouraged him to prepare to serve. Nothing made her more proud then to know her son was serving others on his mission. She had not been on the treatments long... and a few days after Christmas she passed away in her home.
Christy knew her time was short... and of course being Christy she did not sit and stew and become bitter. She made sure that when she left, the people around her knew how much she loved them and that this wasn't the end. Like I said... this woman was selfless. She even left a message on her blog which they shared at her funeral. Even in her final days she was more concerned about those around her then she was with what was happening to her.
How could she be so accepting to such an unfair situation?! I don't see how she could have kept up her faith... when I sit and question mine at times.
I sat at her funeral and seriously pondered what it was I believed in after death. It was a reality check. Here was this beautiful woman so full of faith who never cried "why me", taken from this world... and there I was healthy and yet uncertain. In all the years I had known Christy, I never once doubted her faith and her understanding of her role in this existance. But sitting there looking at her coffin I questioned myself, do I have faith in what is going to happen when I die?
It has been something that has been on my mind ever since. I can't seem to shake it. I realize that it is one thing to say you believe in something... but if actually faced with certain situations would I be saying I believe?! So many people leave their belief of life after death as either becoming an angle... or going to hell. But that just doesn't seem enough for me. There has to be so much more as to why we are here and what happens when we die. We don't just become angles or devils and that's it. It just doesn't make sense to me that it would be.
Religion has been something I grew up with in my home. It was easy to live a church going life because I didn't know anything different. It wasn't really until I was out of high school though, that I learned what it was to stand for what I believed in. Saying I believe is different from living it. It was a hard thing for me to learn... I stumbled... made some mistakes... but I am proud to say I have come to my own realization that my church is the one I wanted to be apart of... it was the one I knew to be true. Realizing this though, I have also come to learn that even after you decide you believe something... there are always times when you are tested on it... to see if at a moment of weakness you can stand and say this is what I believe. Christy's funeral was one of those times.
I was raised to believe that families can be together forever... that this life is a time to be tested... to prove that we can overcome our weaknesses, to believe that this life is but a short time and when our time here is over, we don't just disappear... we move on to the next part of this eternal plan. Saying this... it sounds so easy... it sounds so nice to believe in. But when put in a position like her funeral it's a hard reality. To know you are going to die soon... not exactly when but soon... to have little children you know you wont be able to be there to watch grow up... a husband who you love with your whole heart... how can you accept death and be able to feel blessed and not afraid? I don't know if I would have been so selfless in my final moments... I don't know if I could honestly tell those I loved that it was going to be ok. I don't know if I could find peace in the realization of death. I can't imagine sitting down with Jarom and Vienna knowing I would be leaving them soon... and to have full faith that it was what was needed to happen. But I would like to think that I can work to become someone who could if they had to.
I honestly can't imagine knowing that I was going to die and not be able to be there for Vienna growing up... to be at her wedding... to be there when she has her first baby... to not be there for Jarom... to not be able to hug him and hold him and tell him every single day that I love him. But the reality of it all is that death is going to happen to all of us... and we don't really get to choose when we are ready for it. So I guess it is true when they say... now is the time to prepare.
It is a popular belief in todays society... we must live for today... but I think it is so important to think about what that means to us on a personal level. Some might say it means you need to go out and do crazy things so you don't die with regrets, you know the whole eat, drink and be merry! Cause when you're gone, you're gone!... some others might say we need to tell our families and friends that we love them every day and be kind to others. But really... I challenge you to ask yourself that question. What does it mean to live for today?
I guess you could say this has been a part of my frustration... to know what it means to me what living for today is. I find that it is so easy to live by the concept that if you are a good person, that is all that matters. But to be honest I don't know if that is really is enough. It's not hard to be good really... I think the real test of character is giving up our insecurities and learning to conquer our weaknesses. I think I have allowed myself to fall short of this. I think I'm a good person... but being a good person isn't the hard part, it's standing up for what I believe in that is so hard and realizing my part in this plan and accepting it, embracing it... living my life in accordance with it. If I truly had faith in my beliefs on life and why I am here... then I wouldn't feel so scared to share it with those I love. I would want nothing more then to share what I know to be true with them, to want to give them the same knowledge which brings me comfort and peace. Christy did this in life... she was solid in her beliefs... and because of that when she passed away, those she left behind had comfort and peace in knowing this was not goodbye.
I find such relief in writing. I really do believe that journals are testaments to who we really are and how we truly feel. Just sitting here... allowing myself to just write and not be interuppted has been a blessing to me. This is me being real... this is me being honest with my beliefs.
Since the funeral I have on many occasions allowed myself to remember the times I had shared with Christy and I have decided tonight that if someone were to ask me what I remembered most about her I would have to say, her faith. Anyone who knew her would agree that she practiced what she preached. She knew what she believed and she stood by it even in her final moments here on earth. Instead of spending time asking, why me?... she spent her last moments giving love to those around her. She made sure they knew she knew everything was going to be ok. Her last time here was spent selflessly, comforting those who were left behind. Christy knew that there was a plan for her... that even though she did not understand it all... that it was what needed to happen and that she was going to be ok and those she loved were going to be ok. She knew this without a shadow of a doubt.
And like I discussed before... faith is truly tested in times of weakness. So being diagnosed with cancer and knowing you are going to die soon... and to be not afraid for what was going to happen, to me is proof of real faith. So I guess what I am saying is, that through this great example of my dear friend... I think when we say live for today, I believe it to mean, so we can live for tomorrow and for eternity. Not all of us are going to know when our time is up here on earth... and instead of fearing it and trying to "live for the moment" ... we need to prepare ourselves and re-evaluate where we are going in our lives and what we are aspiring to be. There has to be more to this life then being good people... there has to be a bigger picture as to why we are even here. I pray that I never have to leave my family so soon... but I do want to take from Christy's example and make sure that my family knows I have faith in this bigger plan... that I know there is more to this life... that I am living my life so I am ready to go on when it is my time and know my family understands that too. I don't believe that to live for today we need to do dramatic things... I believe that I need to be a woman of faith... because in that is great strength. To me that is living a life with no regrets. If I know where I am going after this life... and if I can truly grasp the meaning to this life I am living right now... I can better spend my time here... working on my weaknesses... over coming obsticles so I can each day become a stronger person with direction and a sense of purpose.
How hard it must be to live a life and not know why we are even here. Death scares me as it is... I can't imagine what it would be like to live a life and think when I die, that's it.
I want those around me to be able to say similar things about me like they said about Christy. I want to be remembered as being selfless, full of faith, brave and courageous. To me, being those things is why we are here. We are here to become stronger people a midst the trials of life, to become masters over our mortal cravings and temptations. I feel blessed to know I am not alone... that I am not just another human being walking this earth doing my own thing until I die. I know that I am a part of a bigger plan... that my role here is important. This is what I am going to choose to "live each day" for... letting those around me know this also. So many times I sit back and shy away from sharing my beliefs with others in fear of offending them or making them feel like I am trying to convert them. But the truth is... if I truly loved someone... I would want them to know what I believe, in hopes that this knowledge can bring them the same joy and comfort it brings me. If you had the worlds best chocolate cake recipe... you would want the world to know it right?! What use is it to anyone if they don't even know you have it!
Life truly is short... I don't want my regrets to be not being true in what I believe in... and not sharing it with those I love. I feel comfort in Christy's death tonight because I know I will see her again. I guess tonight as I sat here pondering on this frustration I have been having lately... really it was only me telling myself that I have so much to be grateful for and I am choosing not to see it or share it. This is one of those times for me when I am being tested on what it is I believe... So I am going to choose to see it as it is and take the challenge. This is me living a life with no regrets.
So to all those who braved all this rambling and up and down thinking... I am choosing to keep my faith... and I am going to live by what it is I say I believe in.
I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me and I love Him. I will stand as a whitness of God in all times and in all things and in all places, as I strive to live my values which are, faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works and integrity. I believe as I come to accept and act upon these values I will be prepared to make and keep sacred covenants, receive the blessings of the temple, strengthen homes and families and receive the blessings of exaltation.
For some of you, I'm sure you have heard similar words before but I challenge you sit and ponder... do you really believe those things? And for all you who are reading this who are not of my faith... I want to you to know this is who I am... this is what I believe... this is what I am living each day for... this is my purpose.
Christy was just one woman... but look at all those who she has touched and have made their lives better for have knowing her love and faith. I hope that I can be like her... and have those around me know these things about me... and to know I had faith in why I am here and where I am going when my time here is done.
I guess I can say I have some what pin pointed my frustration... I know I have been slacking... and I have known this deep down. I need to see this wake up call for what it is and smarten up.
Christy I miss you... but I know we will meet again. And until we do, I promise to stop wearing open toed shoes to church in the winter ;)

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

This is who I am...

Have you ever found yourself questioning who you are?!... Well lately I have found myself asking this question over and over again. Don't get me wrong... yes I know I am Nadia Jane Phillips but I guess I am not sure what that really means. So really the question I have been asking myself is... what does it mean to be Nadia?
As I have talked about it my last blogs I have been making some changes, but now I am wondering what it is I am changing into? What is my goal?
Growing up, when I was frustrated or going through something really tough I always would think to myself... just hold on Nads when you get older things will fall into place a lot more easier because you and everyone else will be more mature. But oh how I was wrong! Life never gets easier... you are never 100% sure of yourself and your life.
I feel that people seem to not grasp that I am not the same person as I was years ago. Maybe it was just me, but I seem to take the hard road when it came to self discovery. Yes I made my share of mistakes, yes I did some dumb things, and yes I lost some really great people on the way. But what people don't seem to see is that I always got back up and did my best. I never gave up. So I have decided this is a part of who Nadia is, I am not a quitter!
I have never been one to understand "cliques" and stomping on others to get to the top. I was never good at that sort of thing. As a teenager it frustrated me how people could play such drama games to gain popularity. It always just made sense in my head to be nice to everyone. A friend is a friend... you can never have too many! So I have decided I am a non social political person... and I kinda like that!
How many times have you looked at your facebook page and saw... I miss you, lets hang out!... messages from people you know you'll never see or know much at all? Or when it's your birthday and you look on facebook to see how many people wished you a happy birthday that you know you haven't heard from since you were kids? hahaha. Yes I am talking about those "friends"... the ones you can count on being fake 100% of the time. The ones who tell you, you look AWESOME when you know you both know that you look like crap! I just don't get those kinds of people. In fact those kinds of people really infuriate me to no end! Sometimes I feel more insulted then complemented by those kinds of remarks from such people. I believe in honesty... it really is your best policy. So needless to say I have decided that I am proud to know that I sincerely love my friends. When I say you look awesome it is because that is what I think. And when I say I want to get together I mean, lets check our calendars and set a date! So Nadia is good at not being fake. I'm not 100% perfect at this but then again show me someone who is! hahaha
Music is always something that reaches out to me. No I am not a great singer... but dancing is my all time favourite thing to do! And when I can't dance I love to sit back and listen to music. Lyrics are what I look for in a song to make it a classic. I love it when I find a song that I can connect with and understand in my own life. So to be Nadia means to live in a world with music! Pictures are also important to me. I feel they are journals in themselves. I could look at pictures all day and have the best time recounting memories. I love that I can look back and say... yes I did that!
Like most people I have had hard times in my life when it came to friends and losing friends. It is so rough when you learn someone isn't who they say they are or lets you down or just walks away. Sometimes I find myself thinking about those past friends and feeling depressed over what happened and wondering if I had only done something different would they still be there. Have you ever been there? I sadly have been there far too many times. It was when I was talking to my husband he had me realize that I have so much to be grateful for when it comes to friends now. Are any of you so lucky as to have a friend in your life you can tell ANYTHING too? A friend who can relate to your stupid moments or your embarrassing moments? A friend who you know will always have your back no matter what?! I am happy to say I really do have friends like this in my life now. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have these lovely ladies in my life. I don't know if they even realize the impact they have on me... but they are people I aspire to be more like every day. These girls help make me who I am. I am loyal to them till the end! They are willing to do anything for me and I know I am willing to do anything for them. Yes I have had to say goodbye to some friends along the way... but at the end of the day the besties I have now are priceless! In fact I love knowing that they need me in their lives too. So to be Nadia means to be loyal. I am there no matter what!!!
When I was a child I was diagnosed with ADD. Yes that is right I am ADD. At the time I was in grade 4 and no one knew much about it and thought... oh ADD means hyper and annoying. So I was titled from a young age as such and it destroyed me and I felt labeled by it for most of my life. But as I have gotten older I have realized it does not determine my life. I have learned that being ADD does not mean you are hyper (don't get me wrong I can get hyper like everyone else) it just means you learn differently and by no means does it label me as stupid. I have learned that it has made me more creative and out going. I am proud to say I am not a dull person. hahaha. How many people do you know who can hold a more topic-full and random conversation better than me?! hahaha that's right! I'm only sad that I wasn't able to see this when I was younger. Being ADD is a part of who Nadia is... and I LOVE it!
So these are some of the things I have come up with when I took the time to sit down and ask myself... what does it mean to be Nadia. I know it is a non stop mission but it does feel good to know every once in a while where I am at.
To be Nadia means to never quit, to never be political with people, to be real, to be musical, to be loyal and to be ADD! I'm thinking so far so good! If you can't learn to love yourself who can you love, right?!
So there you have it.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Time for a CHANGE!!!

So i'm one of those people who once in a while feels the urgent need to change the physical side of me. It can be a clothes change, make-up style change, hair cut change or a hair colour change. Sometimes there are moments where I have the urge to change all of the above at once! This is one of those times in my life!
People who knew me in junior high knew me as a tom-boy. People who knew me in high school knew me as some what of a skater girl who hated pink and never would admit she wanted to try out the whole make-up thing. After high school I changed a lot... I embraced make-up and the colour pink. Anyways you get what I mean... I change a lot.
I still remember the exact day and place in my life when I made the big plunge from light brown hair to extreme dark hair.
As I think about all these "changes" I realize that they have all come at pivotal moments in my life... When I emotionally came to a turning point. I recognize now that how I dress and express my physical self is a shadow of emotional change.
(I am sure I am not the only person out there like this)
When I feel like a new chapter in my life is over and new one is about to begin I have to do it with a big "bang" so to speak. It's almost like a new found confidence to take on this new step in my life... and is symbolic of shedding the past.
I have grown a lot, especially in the past 5 years. I experienced so much... some good... some really bad. But I am here today... forever growing and changing.
Some people choose to continue judging me from different points in my life... and I wont lie it really hurts and can if I let it, hold me back.
These last few years of my life have been really intense. So much change has occurred. I got married, moved to Dallas and soon after was pregnant. It was a lot to take in a year. I would love to say I took it all with perfect grace... but I would be a liar. I'm not saying I hated everything... but there were a lot of hard things I went through. But that is life... how can we expect to grow without experiencing things outside our comfort zone, right?!
I wont lie, pregnancy was really hard on me. It took a huge toll on me in so many ways. Yes I was happy to be having a healthy child... don't believe otherwise while reading this.
When I pictured being pregnant I pictured being the worlds cutest preggo out there! Cute overalls and a cute baby bump. I have never in my life dealt with weight issues... so when the stress of pregnancy took me from 120- 210 lbs I didn't know how to handle it. I know how selfish it seems, me here talking in such a vain way... but I am being honest. Through out my pregnancy I was sick and emotional. I had loads of other pregnant girls I knew who "seemed" to be having the picture perfect pregnancy. No weight gain in areas except for their adorable baby bump. This is at least what it felt like to me.
When I had Vienna it was THE experience of my life! I have never felt more love and joy when I got to see her beautiful lil face.
But when it came to myself esteem regarding personal self image I was drowning. I was SO sick of people telling me the weight would just come off... that I was a beautiful mom... that I should be grateful for a healthy child (because I was and my love for her in no way was related to these selfish feelings). I knew I was being petty and vain but that didn't mean it didn't make it any less hard knowing this.
Well it has been a year and yes I have lost some off the weight... but I have so much to go. My physical body shape is forever different but that comes with being a mom I am told.
I hated hearing other moms complain about the few extra lbs they couldn't get off when you couldn't even tell they still had any more weight to lose. I felt like every other mom out there pretty much bounced back. I had always heard people complain about permanent weight gain due to having kids... but when I was going through it I was like "where are these moms now?". I was jealous of all their cute family pictures. I am terrified of being in pictures since the weight gain... and even more terrified to have them posted up for the world to see.
Luckily I have the most supportive husband. He truly is my best friend! I felt so bad for him cause he me married the cutest skinny mini and 4 months after that she got ugly. No he doesn't make me feel this way... but I feel like he would be justified in feeling it if he did. Instead he encourages me and is proud of the progress I am making and I couldn't ask for more!
So despite my best efforts It has been over a year and I am not where I hoped to be physically. But last week I realized something... screw everyone! I wanted to lose this weight for the very wrong reasons. I wanted to not be judged... and that isn't fair. That is way to stressful to keep on my shoulders. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so the people from high school or the people from my singles scene wouldn't talk behind my back. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so people will think I have the perfect life. I should want to lose weight because it is something I want to do for myself and if for anyone else... my husband.
So like usual... after realizing having gone through a huge life trial, I wanted to shed it... the old me and start again fresh... so I dyed my hair! I got rid of the black sexy "I'm independent so screw you" hair and opted for a softer "Life is to be enjoyed" brown with all sorts of blonde foils on top. It took 5, almost 6 long hours but when it was done it felt like a million bucks! I could feel that yucky weight of stress I had been carrying lift a bit off of me. But the change is not yet complete. I am cutting it as well... I have no idea what I will do with that... but it's coming next! I also went shopping and got clothes that I felt made me feel good about myself. It was awesome! No I am not the size I wish to be... but whatever... that will come... and if it isn't the size I use to be... so be it.
So that is me putting who I am out there. It may seem weird or awkward for some people... but I feel I needed to have this admitted out in the open. I'm like that. Until I can say it out loud... it doesn't seem real.
So judge me how you want. I love my family, I love my daughter, and I'm on my way to loving the person who I am inside and out!
When they say it takes way too much effort and time to care what other people think... they are so right! But it is SO much easier to say then actually do. I do care what people think... but I am trying hard to not let that determine how I feel about myself.
So there you go... here's to a new chapter!

three years ago...


Monday, July 12, 2010

Tiffany & Co

Today was a VERY great day for me!
Since I was 16 years old I have been in love with the Tiffany & Co charm necklace... and today Jarom spoiled me and got it for me!!! I can't express my love and giddiness for this necklace!

We went this past friday to Tiffany's to look at it... but the store was closed! My heart broke! I have been dreaming of that moment for YEARS! As stupid as it may sound... when I saw that the doors were closed and locked I wanted to cry. I had been dying all week to go!
I don't own much real jewelry... I have loads of costume jewelry but I have never really had a desire for one piece in particular... except for this one.
So when we went in to Tiffany & Co today my heart was racing. It was so much fun asking to see it and then telling the man that I would like to purchase it!!! I tried not to be stupid and giddy cause it was such a fancy store but my face prob showed it all! hahaha. Jarom thought is was so cute.
So I am now at home rockin my new necklace and couldn't be more happy about life! This is my early 25th birthday present from Jarom. He was going to hold on to it and wait till my birthday... but lets be honest, how calm can anyone be knowing that THAT necklace is in the house and not on their neck?!
Today was a very special day for me. To so many people it is just a necklace... but for me it is special!
Tiffany & Co... oh how I love thee!

Friday, July 2, 2010

My Family is FOREVER!

I have been thinking a lot about families lately... like a lot.
Sometimes I have moments where I realize how truly blessed I am to know that my family is forever. Today is one of those days.
I don't know what I would do without Jarom. It just amazes me how much he does for our lil family. He works so hard to make sure we are safe and are well provided for. I don't think I could have fallen in love with a better man than him.
This summer we are yet again doing sales. Like the past two summers we have moved away from our families in Canada and have come to Dallas. It's hard to leave our loved ones behind for the best 4 months of the year but Jarom's talent for sales makes it possible for me to stay home all year with our lil girl and Jarom thinks that is the best reason to do what he does.
We just celebrated Vienna's birthday this past week and it was so awesome to see Jarom so excited to be with his little girl. Those two are the best of friends and gush over each other whenever they are together. As a mom I couldn't ask for them to have a better relationship. Her daddy is her hero and I can't express how much that means to me.
Life can get so hard sometimes... and it is so easy to lose sight of things. But to know I have my very best friend by my side makes it a lot less scarier.
Marrying Jarom was the best decision I have ever made. And us having Vienna was the best thing we ever did. No one can prepare you for the blessings and over whelming emotions being a mother brings. I will never forget the moment Jarom and I finally got to meet Vienna. It was by far the most spiritual experience I have ever had. I never knew I could feel that way for another human being. Don't get me wrong, I love Jarom with everything that I have... but this is a different kind of love.
Sometimes I find my past creeping up on me... sometimes people so kindly judge me for the past... but luckily I have a husband who reminds me how far I have come and encourages me to never look back but instead takes my hand and walks forward. I don't know where I would be without my faith. Faith is everything.
I love my family. I love them so much. Today is one of those days where I take a few moments and am so very grateful for what I have. I have a marriage that will last forever and I have a daughter who makes each and every day better than the last.
Families can be forever... and mine is.