People who knew me in junior high knew me as a tom-boy. People who knew me in high school knew me as some what of a skater girl who hated pink and never would admit she wanted to try out the whole make-up thing. After high school I changed a lot... I embraced make-up and the colour pink. Anyways you get what I mean... I change a lot.
I still remember the exact day and place in my life when I made the big plunge from light brown hair to extreme dark hair.
As I think about all these "changes" I realize that they have all come at pivotal moments in my life... When I emotionally came to a turning point. I recognize now that how I dress and express my physical self is a shadow of emotional change.
(I am sure I am not the only person out there like this)
When I feel like a new chapter in my life is over and new one is about to begin I have to do it with a big "bang" so to speak. It's almost like a new found confidence to take on this new step in my life... and is symbolic of shedding the past.
I have grown a lot, especially in the past 5 years. I experienced so much... some good... some really bad. But I am here today... forever growing and changing.
Some people choose to continue judging me from different points in my life... and I wont lie it really hurts and can if I let it, hold me back.
These last few years of my life have been really intense. So much change has occurred. I got married, moved to Dallas and soon after was pregnant. It was a lot to take in a year. I would love to say I took it all with perfect grace... but I would be a liar. I'm not saying I hated everything... but there were a lot of hard things I went through. But that is life... how can we expect to grow without experiencing things outside our comfort zone, right?!
I wont lie, pregnancy was really hard on me. It took a huge toll on me in so many ways. Yes I was happy to be having a healthy child... don't believe otherwise while reading this.
When I pictured being pregnant I pictured being the worlds cutest preggo out there! Cute overalls and a cute baby bump. I have never in my life dealt with weight issues... so when the stress of pregnancy took me from 120- 210 lbs I didn't know how to handle it. I know how selfish it seems, me here talking in such a vain way... but I am being honest. Through out my pregnancy I was sick and emotional. I had loads of other pregnant girls I knew who "seemed" to be having the picture perfect pregnancy. No weight gain in areas except for their adorable baby bump. This is at least what it felt like to me.
When I had Vienna it was THE experience of my life! I have never felt more love and joy when I got to see her beautiful lil face.
But when it came to myself esteem regarding personal self image I was drowning. I was SO sick of people telling me the weight would just come off... that I was a beautiful mom... that I should be grateful for a healthy child (because I was and my love for her in no way was related to these selfish feelings). I knew I was being petty and vain but that didn't mean it didn't make it any less hard knowing this.
Well it has been a year and yes I have lost some off the weight... but I have so much to go. My physical body shape is forever different but that comes with being a mom I am told.
I hated hearing other moms complain about the few extra lbs they couldn't get off when you couldn't even tell they still had any more weight to lose. I felt like every other mom out there pretty much bounced back. I had always heard people complain about permanent weight gain due to having kids... but when I was going through it I was like "where are these moms now?". I was jealous of all their cute family pictures. I am terrified of being in pictures since the weight gain... and even more terrified to have them posted up for the world to see.
Luckily I have the most supportive husband. He truly is my best friend! I felt so bad for him cause he me married the cutest skinny mini and 4 months after that she got ugly. No he doesn't make me feel this way... but I feel like he would be justified in feeling it if he did. Instead he encourages me and is proud of the progress I am making and I couldn't ask for more!
So despite my best efforts It has been over a year and I am not where I hoped to be physically. But last week I realized something... screw everyone! I wanted to lose this weight for the very wrong reasons. I wanted to not be judged... and that isn't fair. That is way to stressful to keep on my shoulders. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so the people from high school or the people from my singles scene wouldn't talk behind my back. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so people will think I have the perfect life. I should want to lose weight because it is something I want to do for myself and if for anyone else... my husband.
So like usual... after realizing having gone through a huge life trial, I wanted to shed it... the old me and start again fresh... so I dyed my hair! I got rid of the black sexy "I'm independent so screw you" hair and opted for a softer "Life is to be enjoyed" brown with all sorts of blonde foils on top. It took 5, almost 6 long hours but when it was done it felt like a million bucks! I could feel that yucky weight of stress I had been carrying lift a bit off of me. But the change is not yet complete. I am cutting it as well... I have no idea what I will do with that... but it's coming next! I also went shopping and got clothes that I felt made me feel good about myself. It was awesome! No I am not the size I wish to be... but whatever... that will come... and if it isn't the size I use to be... so be it.
So that is me putting who I am out there. It may seem weird or awkward for some people... but I feel I needed to have this admitted out in the open. I'm like that. Until I can say it out loud... it doesn't seem real.
So judge me how you want. I love my family, I love my daughter, and I'm on my way to loving the person who I am inside and out!
When they say it takes way too much effort and time to care what other people think... they are so right! But it is SO much easier to say then actually do. I do care what people think... but I am trying hard to not let that determine how I feel about myself.
So there you go... here's to a new chapter!
three years ago...
Yesterday...
