People who knew me in junior high knew me as a tom-boy. People who knew me in high school knew me as some what of a skater girl who hated pink and never would admit she wanted to try out the whole make-up thing. After high school I changed a lot... I embraced make-up and the colour pink. Anyways you get what I mean... I change a lot.
I still remember the exact day and place in my life when I made the big plunge from light brown hair to extreme dark hair.
As I think about all these "changes" I realize that they have all come at pivotal moments in my life... When I emotionally came to a turning point. I recognize now that how I dress and express my physical self is a shadow of emotional change.
(I am sure I am not the only person out there like this)
When I feel like a new chapter in my life is over and new one is about to begin I have to do it with a big "bang" so to speak. It's almost like a new found confidence to take on this new step in my life... and is symbolic of shedding the past.
I have grown a lot, especially in the past 5 years. I experienced so much... some good... some really bad. But I am here today... forever growing and changing.
Some people choose to continue judging me from different points in my life... and I wont lie it really hurts and can if I let it, hold me back.
These last few years of my life have been really intense. So much change has occurred. I got married, moved to Dallas and soon after was pregnant. It was a lot to take in a year. I would love to say I took it all with perfect grace... but I would be a liar. I'm not saying I hated everything... but there were a lot of hard things I went through. But that is life... how can we expect to grow without experiencing things outside our comfort zone, right?!
I wont lie, pregnancy was really hard on me. It took a huge toll on me in so many ways. Yes I was happy to be having a healthy child... don't believe otherwise while reading this.
When I pictured being pregnant I pictured being the worlds cutest preggo out there! Cute overalls and a cute baby bump. I have never in my life dealt with weight issues... so when the stress of pregnancy took me from 120- 210 lbs I didn't know how to handle it. I know how selfish it seems, me here talking in such a vain way... but I am being honest. Through out my pregnancy I was sick and emotional. I had loads of other pregnant girls I knew who "seemed" to be having the picture perfect pregnancy. No weight gain in areas except for their adorable baby bump. This is at least what it felt like to me.
When I had Vienna it was THE experience of my life! I have never felt more love and joy when I got to see her beautiful lil face.
But when it came to myself esteem regarding personal self image I was drowning. I was SO sick of people telling me the weight would just come off... that I was a beautiful mom... that I should be grateful for a healthy child (because I was and my love for her in no way was related to these selfish feelings). I knew I was being petty and vain but that didn't mean it didn't make it any less hard knowing this.
Well it has been a year and yes I have lost some off the weight... but I have so much to go. My physical body shape is forever different but that comes with being a mom I am told.
I hated hearing other moms complain about the few extra lbs they couldn't get off when you couldn't even tell they still had any more weight to lose. I felt like every other mom out there pretty much bounced back. I had always heard people complain about permanent weight gain due to having kids... but when I was going through it I was like "where are these moms now?". I was jealous of all their cute family pictures. I am terrified of being in pictures since the weight gain... and even more terrified to have them posted up for the world to see.
Luckily I have the most supportive husband. He truly is my best friend! I felt so bad for him cause he me married the cutest skinny mini and 4 months after that she got ugly. No he doesn't make me feel this way... but I feel like he would be justified in feeling it if he did. Instead he encourages me and is proud of the progress I am making and I couldn't ask for more!
So despite my best efforts It has been over a year and I am not where I hoped to be physically. But last week I realized something... screw everyone! I wanted to lose this weight for the very wrong reasons. I wanted to not be judged... and that isn't fair. That is way to stressful to keep on my shoulders. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so the people from high school or the people from my singles scene wouldn't talk behind my back. I shouldn't want to be skinny mini so people will think I have the perfect life. I should want to lose weight because it is something I want to do for myself and if for anyone else... my husband.
So like usual... after realizing having gone through a huge life trial, I wanted to shed it... the old me and start again fresh... so I dyed my hair! I got rid of the black sexy "I'm independent so screw you" hair and opted for a softer "Life is to be enjoyed" brown with all sorts of blonde foils on top. It took 5, almost 6 long hours but when it was done it felt like a million bucks! I could feel that yucky weight of stress I had been carrying lift a bit off of me. But the change is not yet complete. I am cutting it as well... I have no idea what I will do with that... but it's coming next! I also went shopping and got clothes that I felt made me feel good about myself. It was awesome! No I am not the size I wish to be... but whatever... that will come... and if it isn't the size I use to be... so be it.
So that is me putting who I am out there. It may seem weird or awkward for some people... but I feel I needed to have this admitted out in the open. I'm like that. Until I can say it out loud... it doesn't seem real.
So judge me how you want. I love my family, I love my daughter, and I'm on my way to loving the person who I am inside and out!
When they say it takes way too much effort and time to care what other people think... they are so right! But it is SO much easier to say then actually do. I do care what people think... but I am trying hard to not let that determine how I feel about myself.
So there you go... here's to a new chapter!
three years ago...
Yesterday...
I love the new hair Nadia! And I understand what you mean about the weight loss. I'm having trouble losing weight. You are right to do it for the right reasons. You are gorgeous!
ReplyDeleteNadia,
ReplyDeleteIt's fun to hear from you on my blog. It's been a long time:) Hearing your story about moving to a new place and having a baby the same year is sounding very familiar. I'm loving the hair. That pic is really cute.
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ReplyDeleteWould it be wrong of me to say you look even hotter now than before because you're not just a "skinny mini" now. You are an amazing mother and a devoted unbelieveable wife and the fact that you can pull those two off and still be a beautiful person inside and out is way better than an "ideal weight".
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel Nadia, I went through the weight gain with Justice and unfortunately I had the weight come off for horrible reasons, of which you know (because lets admit it, I pretty much tell you everything about my life!). I think you are a gorgeous person and while I completely understand your struggles, just remember it doesn't matter what everyone says or thinks about you and your weight because you have a husband and a daughter who I'm sure think there is no one more beautiful! Plus I think so too :) I do admire you and your growth and the lessons you learn because that takes a lot of strength.
PS the hair is GORGEOUS!!!!! I just love it and can't wait to see your cut!
<3 you Nads!
Hey. I totally know what you mean about just having to get your feelings out there to make it more real. That's how I felt in the couple of years we struggled with getting pregnant. Just talking about it made me feel so much better.
ReplyDeleteOn the whole topic of making changes at pivotal points in your life, I totally know what you mean. I was always blonde through highschool and the years afterward, and that's how I related to myself at that time. I was so nervous to make a big change, but once I finally did, I've never looked back and have loved reinventing myself these past few years. It's SO good to make changes and help yourself feel better about yourself. I've learned a lot about that myself lately.
You look GREAT. Don't believe what everyone says, "the weight will just melt of...." What a load of crap. Unfortunately it takes a lot more hard work and effort than I'd really like to do admit to myself. It's a constant battle for me. So now that I've practically written a novel here, just know that it's not about what other people think or say, but how you FEEL. Chin up and I can't wait to see your new haircut. So fun!
i know this will sound cheesy Nadia, but.... you know i've always loved you no matter what size you are, or how you're feeling about yourself. I wouldn't change anything about you. (um, except, maybe some shoes in the snowy winter, hahaha, j/k).
ReplyDeleteWhenever i've complained to bruce about my weight struggles (especially after the kids were just born), he would just look and me and quietly ask me if I would rather not have the kids - so i could feel skinny again??? well, then i just felt like i was being totally silly, cuz of course i would choose the kids! and all was well. (at least for a few weeks til i whined again).
luv ya Nadia, and the hair is super cute too...
nadia, i luv this post!! i struggle with the exact same thing and it's not vain and petty, it really does change your attitude (it does me anyway)
ReplyDeleteanyways i luv your attitude about it and good for you, and good for awesome hubbys :)
I love this post. Its your blog so I say write what you want on it! :)
ReplyDeleteI LOVEE the change, as I already commented on the picture. You look great. And I think family is all that matters. And it sounds like you and Jarom have a great supportive marriage, and your daughter is ADORABLE of coarse. What more could a girl want?
Nadia,
ReplyDeleteyou couldn't have said it more clearly!Don't think your the only mom who struggles with their self image. After having Hadley I have changed sooooo much...physical and emotional! I realized that I need to love myself before I can love anyone else...i appreciate your friendship and if you ever needed anything i hope you know i'd help in anyway!
Fun new hair!! I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm just now gaining the weight and dreading the thought that I'll have to lose it all after the baby is born. {but I'm used to being on the bigger side!!} Good luck with it all.
WOW!... I didn't expect to get as much feedback as I did! Thank you ALL for your amazing comments! I can honestly say I appreciate each and every one of you! Being a girl can be rough sometimes... especially with todays media.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for all the sharing and support!
And Christy my hubs complains about my shoe choice in the winter too. hahahaha
Nadia! you are such a strong woman! woah! Whilst you said that you did not deal with the changes as gracefully as you would have liked, I think you are still full of grace and now are empowered!
ReplyDeleteYou're gorgeous!
hahaha, Nadia!!! I never 'complained' about your shoe choice ;) i just liked to 'show' you WHY you might want to choose something with a little more coverage... ah, those were good days
ReplyDeletehaha i love the comments christy and nadia...... thanks for the blog thats almost exactly what should be written in my blog im just not that good at writing it.i know how you feel exactly no joke i cried. i love you and hope you get what you want.
ReplyDeleteNadia!! It was like reading every thought out of my own head!
ReplyDeleteWhen I met my Hubby (feel special no one gets these stats), I was 130 lbs. We got married 150lbs. Had Carter 170 lbs. Slowly crept up to 180lbs. This preggo round I learned a couple things and lucky I was able to get rid of baby weight as I was up at 220lbs (there I said it out loud). But Im back to 180lbs and there I sit. Im battling with every low self esteem issue EVER! I will keep a very close eye on your blog as I know you have read mine and know where I am at.
My hubbys tells me he thinks Im beautiful, my face falls, then right after he says "you dont believe me do you'. To see how much that hurts him is enough to make me want to change. As dumb as it sounds when I work out, I think of all the things that I hate. The fact that I have 1,000,000 stretch marks, the fact that the bottom of my stomach makes the most horrible shape! Having kids does SUCH a number on Women!!! I swear jeans are meant for people with no kids!
And just so you know, I remember the Tom Boy, the Skater chick and the slick dark hair, and I thought you were great at every stage!
you should be a journalist.. like sex in the city girl.
ReplyDeletecuz you rule.
miss you!!
Ha, I love this. I totally know exactly where you're coming from, like EXACTLY. It honestly seems like everyone loses the weight after, I even have a friend who just stopped going to the gym because she lost it all- her 2nd baby is younger than my 2nd baby, brutal! But this morning I woke up and holy cow I thought I looked smokin' hot, I got dressed and all of a sudden my clothes fit better?! I think half the battle is the mental weight gain. I am trying to be more positive so maybe just maybe that'll help me deal with the ridiculous leftovers!
ReplyDeleteI TOTALLY know how you feel! It is SO hard sometimes. I wish I was one of those people with fabulous pregnancies that stay small forever...but I am not. It is SO hard for me. I feel your pain sista! You are one hot mamma though...not kiddin. You seriously ALWAYS look stellar!
ReplyDelete