As most of you have already noticed my blog is basically a place where I write my thoughts on life... like a personal journal of sorts. So tonight I decided, it's time to write out a few things that have been on my mind lately that have been frustrating me.
Im sure a lot of people can relate... it's an emotion we all feel from time to time. It's source can be a hard thing to pin point at times and yet be so broad in it's affect. Well, it seems to have hit me with full force lately... and for a little while it's source has been so hard to grasp.
Right now in life I seem to be frustrated. But as I sit here and really think about it... I feel that I am tapping into emotions I know I want to keep hidden. So much seems to be going on in my life. I know many people can argue that this is the case for every human being... but this is my blog so blah! Im going to write about me! Anyways... I feel like there is never a down time for me... I keep getting "hit up" by so many things from all directions I don't even know how to cope. These past few months have been such a roller coaster for me. I feel like there has never really been a time to accept some of the things I have been through before something else comes. Soon enough I realize I can't breath... and I get frustrated. I don't know about most people but I am not a multi tasker when it comes to emotions. If I am experiencing certain feelings... they tend to dominate me completely. I hate it!
The last two months it has been one crazy thing after another! But to be honest tonight when I sit here and think about it all... I know that my frustration stems from one major moment.
As some of you know, Jarom and I got to go to Mexico for new years. Fun, I know! It was awesome! But what we came home to was life changing. I was literally not even through costumes at the air port when I get a phone call from my mom with the news that a friend of mine had passed away. It hit me like a brick wall. It was like out of the movies when everything in the back ground goes fuzzy... you hear only their breathing and their heart beating. It is a moment I wish on no one! The news was that, while we were in Mexico my dear friend Christy had passed away from cancer.
So many thoughts came at me full speed. One particular thought was of our last conversation together a few weeks prior... there had been another cancer scare (she had battled cancer once before years and years ago and sadly had lost her eye to the cancer) but when I talked with her about it she told me she was fine and even brushed it off... That there was nothing to worry about. In fact she kept it short and insisted that we talk more about my little girl growing up. The way she talked about it she made it seem like it was not even a scare at all. I realize now she had lied to me. And really... of course she would have. Anyone who knew Christy knows that she does not like to dwell on herself at all! She is selfless in every sense of the word and to hear she had died broke me in half. It was not fair! She had a family... she was young and things like aren't suppose to happen to people like her.
And because I had just gotten off the plane I had to cut the conversation with my mother short (literally a min) so I could check in through customs. It was like a wave went through me. Within a 3 minute span I went from... Excited about coming back from Mexico... to the news of a friends death... learning her funeral was the next morning... and then having to go through customs. Not pretty at all. I felt like I had no way to really comprehend anything going on at that moment. I remember thinking I wished everything would just stop for a minute!
I was just so frustrated... and it has not gone away. Why her? Why would this happen?
The next few days were really intense for me... so much to take in and accept. I had known Christy since I was 4 years old. She was older then me and had been my leader in young womans for pretty much the whole 6 years. She was a power house... she was a friend... she was someone I respected and looked up to. When I was struggling she some how always knew and was there to kick my butt and get me back on the better road. So many late night talks... tears... laughs... teasing... just so many memories. She was a role model for me in life... and now she was gone.
Anyone who knows me knows I don't sing! I can't! I refuse to sing in public ever... and when you are a mormon it can be hard to dodge such things. But knowing this about me, Christy always tried to corner me into singing... but it just would not happen. It became some sort of an inside joke between us. She would always tease me and saw... don't you worry Nads, I'll get you to do it some time. Well... her wish came true... but it breaks me heart that it had to be at her funeral while standing in front of her coffin. One of her requests at her funeral was to have us girls sing for her one last time. I remember sitting there with a dear friend of mine Delaine and thinking... this can not be happening. As we stood to sing I looked ahead at her coffin and broke down. We sang for her like she had always wanted us to... but as a goodbye. The fact that she knew her end was coming and to make it known what her request was and what song she wished to have us sing frustrates me. I can't imagine knowing my time was soon over... and to make such arrangements for my own funeral. I can't even imagine what she went through saying goodbye to her kids knowing she wont be there to watch them grow up. And having her oldest son be on his mission when she passed away. What do you say to them? What do you say to your husband? It just frustrates me that this happened.
It was the most beautiful funeral... it was truly how she would have wanted it. From what I understood, her cancer had come back and they had begun treatments again but not before she had sent her son Ross out on a mission. Even in her last weeks she wanted nothing more then for her son to continue serving his mission no matter what happened to her... the two years they had always helped and encouraged him to prepare to serve. Nothing made her more proud then to know her son was serving others on his mission. She had not been on the treatments long... and a few days after Christmas she passed away in her home.
Christy knew her time was short... and of course being Christy she did not sit and stew and become bitter. She made sure that when she left, the people around her knew how much she loved them and that this wasn't the end. Like I said... this woman was selfless. She even left a message on her blog which they shared at her funeral. Even in her final days she was more concerned about those around her then she was with what was happening to her.
How could she be so accepting to such an unfair situation?! I don't see how she could have kept up her faith... when I sit and question mine at times.
I sat at her funeral and seriously pondered what it was I believed in after death. It was a reality check. Here was this beautiful woman so full of faith who never cried "why me", taken from this world... and there I was healthy and yet uncertain. In all the years I had known Christy, I never once doubted her faith and her understanding of her role in this existance. But sitting there looking at her coffin I questioned myself, do I have faith in what is going to happen when I die?
It has been something that has been on my mind ever since. I can't seem to shake it. I realize that it is one thing to say you believe in something... but if actually faced with certain situations would I be saying I believe?! So many people leave their belief of life after death as either becoming an angle... or going to hell. But that just doesn't seem enough for me. There has to be so much more as to why we are here and what happens when we die. We don't just become angles or devils and that's it. It just doesn't make sense to me that it would be.
Religion has been something I grew up with in my home. It was easy to live a church going life because I didn't know anything different. It wasn't really until I was out of high school though, that I learned what it was to stand for what I believed in. Saying I believe is different from living it. It was a hard thing for me to learn... I stumbled... made some mistakes... but I am proud to say I have come to my own realization that my church is the one I wanted to be apart of... it was the one I knew to be true. Realizing this though, I have also come to learn that even after you decide you believe something... there are always times when you are tested on it... to see if at a moment of weakness you can stand and say this is what I believe. Christy's funeral was one of those times.
I was raised to believe that families can be together forever... that this life is a time to be tested... to prove that we can overcome our weaknesses, to believe that this life is but a short time and when our time here is over, we don't just disappear... we move on to the next part of this eternal plan. Saying this... it sounds so easy... it sounds so nice to believe in. But when put in a position like her funeral it's a hard reality. To know you are going to die soon... not exactly when but soon... to have little children you know you wont be able to be there to watch grow up... a husband who you love with your whole heart... how can you accept death and be able to feel blessed and not afraid? I don't know if I would have been so selfless in my final moments... I don't know if I could honestly tell those I loved that it was going to be ok. I don't know if I could find peace in the realization of death. I can't imagine sitting down with Jarom and Vienna knowing I would be leaving them soon... and to have full faith that it was what was needed to happen. But I would like to think that I can work to become someone who could if they had to.
I honestly can't imagine knowing that I was going to die and not be able to be there for Vienna growing up... to be at her wedding... to be there when she has her first baby... to not be there for Jarom... to not be able to hug him and hold him and tell him every single day that I love him. But the reality of it all is that death is going to happen to all of us... and we don't really get to choose when we are ready for it. So I guess it is true when they say... now is the time to prepare.
It is a popular belief in todays society... we must live for today... but I think it is so important to think about what that means to us on a personal level. Some might say it means you need to go out and do crazy things so you don't die with regrets, you know the whole eat, drink and be merry! Cause when you're gone, you're gone!... some others might say we need to tell our families and friends that we love them every day and be kind to others. But really... I challenge you to ask yourself that question. What does it mean to live for today?
I guess you could say this has been a part of my frustration... to know what it means to me what living for today is. I find that it is so easy to live by the concept that if you are a good person, that is all that matters. But to be honest I don't know if that is really is enough. It's not hard to be good really... I think the real test of character is giving up our insecurities and learning to conquer our weaknesses. I think I have allowed myself to fall short of this. I think I'm a good person... but being a good person isn't the hard part, it's standing up for what I believe in that is so hard and realizing my part in this plan and accepting it, embracing it... living my life in accordance with it. If I truly had faith in my beliefs on life and why I am here... then I wouldn't feel so scared to share it with those I love. I would want nothing more then to share what I know to be true with them, to want to give them the same knowledge which brings me comfort and peace. Christy did this in life... she was solid in her beliefs... and because of that when she passed away, those she left behind had comfort and peace in knowing this was not goodbye.
I find such relief in writing. I really do believe that journals are testaments to who we really are and how we truly feel. Just sitting here... allowing myself to just write and not be interuppted has been a blessing to me. This is me being real... this is me being honest with my beliefs.
Since the funeral I have on many occasions allowed myself to remember the times I had shared with Christy and I have decided tonight that if someone were to ask me what I remembered most about her I would have to say, her faith. Anyone who knew her would agree that she practiced what she preached. She knew what she believed and she stood by it even in her final moments here on earth. Instead of spending time asking, why me?... she spent her last moments giving love to those around her. She made sure they knew she knew everything was going to be ok. Her last time here was spent selflessly, comforting those who were left behind. Christy knew that there was a plan for her... that even though she did not understand it all... that it was what needed to happen and that she was going to be ok and those she loved were going to be ok. She knew this without a shadow of a doubt.
And like I discussed before... faith is truly tested in times of weakness. So being diagnosed with cancer and knowing you are going to die soon... and to be not afraid for what was going to happen, to me is proof of real faith. So I guess what I am saying is, that through this great example of my dear friend... I think when we say live for today, I believe it to mean, so we can live for tomorrow and for eternity. Not all of us are going to know when our time is up here on earth... and instead of fearing it and trying to "live for the moment" ... we need to prepare ourselves and re-evaluate where we are going in our lives and what we are aspiring to be. There has to be more to this life then being good people... there has to be a bigger picture as to why we are even here. I pray that I never have to leave my family so soon... but I do want to take from Christy's example and make sure that my family knows I have faith in this bigger plan... that I know there is more to this life... that I am living my life so I am ready to go on when it is my time and know my family understands that too. I don't believe that to live for today we need to do dramatic things... I believe that I need to be a woman of faith... because in that is great strength. To me that is living a life with no regrets. If I know where I am going after this life... and if I can truly grasp the meaning to this life I am living right now... I can better spend my time here... working on my weaknesses... over coming obsticles so I can each day become a stronger person with direction and a sense of purpose.
How hard it must be to live a life and not know why we are even here. Death scares me as it is... I can't imagine what it would be like to live a life and think when I die, that's it.
I want those around me to be able to say similar things about me like they said about Christy. I want to be remembered as being selfless, full of faith, brave and courageous. To me, being those things is why we are here. We are here to become stronger people a midst the trials of life, to become masters over our mortal cravings and temptations. I feel blessed to know I am not alone... that I am not just another human being walking this earth doing my own thing until I die. I know that I am a part of a bigger plan... that my role here is important. This is what I am going to choose to "live each day" for... letting those around me know this also. So many times I sit back and shy away from sharing my beliefs with others in fear of offending them or making them feel like I am trying to convert them. But the truth is... if I truly loved someone... I would want them to know what I believe, in hopes that this knowledge can bring them the same joy and comfort it brings me. If you had the worlds best chocolate cake recipe... you would want the world to know it right?! What use is it to anyone if they don't even know you have it!
Life truly is short... I don't want my regrets to be not being true in what I believe in... and not sharing it with those I love. I feel comfort in Christy's death tonight because I know I will see her again. I guess tonight as I sat here pondering on this frustration I have been having lately... really it was only me telling myself that I have so much to be grateful for and I am choosing not to see it or share it. This is one of those times for me when I am being tested on what it is I believe... So I am going to choose to see it as it is and take the challenge. This is me living a life with no regrets.
So to all those who braved all this rambling and up and down thinking... I am choosing to keep my faith... and I am going to live by what it is I say I believe in.
I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me and I love Him. I will stand as a whitness of God in all times and in all things and in all places, as I strive to live my values which are, faith, divine nature, individual worth, knowledge, choice and accountability, good works and integrity. I believe as I come to accept and act upon these values I will be prepared to make and keep sacred covenants, receive the blessings of the temple, strengthen homes and families and receive the blessings of exaltation.
For some of you, I'm sure you have heard similar words before but I challenge you sit and ponder... do you really believe those things? And for all you who are reading this who are not of my faith... I want to you to know this is who I am... this is what I believe... this is what I am living each day for... this is my purpose.
Christy was just one woman... but look at all those who she has touched and have made their lives better for have knowing her love and faith. I hope that I can be like her... and have those around me know these things about me... and to know I had faith in why I am here and where I am going when my time here is done.
I guess I can say I have some what pin pointed my frustration... I know I have been slacking... and I have known this deep down. I need to see this wake up call for what it is and smarten up.
Christy I miss you... but I know we will meet again. And until we do, I promise to stop wearing open toed shoes to church in the winter ;)
